4. Ti-lak. (Pronounced "tea-lack". Tea, as in all the cups of tea you will need to drink to endure Bangkok's late night adventures. Lack, as in all the stamina you will lack as you attempt to screw the thousands of Thai bar girls that await your arrival). Tilak means "darling" or "sweetheart" and can be addressed to any girl you have developed intimate relations with (one thousand ...and counting, on my list!). It will be next to impossible to remember the names of the hundreds of girls you will meet with during your vacation in Bangkok. So many girls. . . so many names to remember. Therefore, if you happen to be in a situation where you have forgotten the name of your girl and you're too embarrassed to admit it, just address her as "Tilak" ("tea-lack"). After all, she is your sweetheart, is she not?

5. Ma nee (pronounced like "money", with a strong accent on the last syllable.). Ma nee means "come here" and can be used to call over any Thai girl you wish to speak with (actually, it's more than just conversation I had in mind). If you ask a Thai bar girl to come over, she will think you are interested in her sexually and want to take her to your hotel to screw. Of course, that will cost you money. In other words, when you say "ma nee", if you follow through (by taking the girl you called over to come with you to your hotel), you will not only be saying "money" but spending money as well. Not to worry though, because whatever it is she is charging, it will be well worth your time. Ma nee can be combined with tilak, resulting in the short phrase, "Tilak, ma nee," meaning, "Darling, come over here."

6. Phua. The word means "husband". It is pronounced almost like the English word "poor" and appropriately so. If you marry a Thai bar girl and become her "phua", she will undoubtedly in time milk you for every dime you own and you will become poor. Interesting, in most situations where a tourist married a Thai bar girl and became her phua, it all started when the guy first saw the girl and uttered the words, "Ma nee" (i.e., money). Next thing you know, he was "phua" (i.e., poor). The moral of the story is when it comes to one night stands, the Thai bar girls are fantastic. But to carry the relationship beyond that, particularly onto marriage, often results in her becoming rich and you becoming poor. In short, don't get married to a Thai bar girl. 7. Hee. (Pronounced like "he", as in the male species). Oddly enough, most Thai bar girls are resistant when it comes to disclosing to a foreigner the Thai word for pussy. It's strange because you can walk into a bar in Bangkok where these girls are right there on stage shoving dildo's and beer bottles right up their pussy and ass. You can take a front row seat right in a bar and the girl will spread her legs and stick her pussy right in your face, letting you lick her raw (I'm not kidding! I told you Bangkok was awesome!). All this takes place right there in the bar (and later in your hotel room, if you like). Now get this! The moment you ask that very same girl that was spreading her legs in the bar what the Thai word for pussy is, she will get all bent out of shape as if you just asked her to commit the unforgivable sin. She won't tell you what the Thai word is, lest you put a gun to her head and thereby insist. I guess the rule of the road in Thailand is, "We can do it, but we can't talk about it." Not a bad rule, actually. (Opposite in the states, where you can talk about it, i.e., phone sex, but you can't do it, i.e., actually fuck real girls). By the way, a growing group of Thai gay men have actually undergone surgery and had their penis removed and surgically carved into a pussy. Such men, known as "lady-boys" actually have a pussy that can facilitate sexual intercourse. I wonder if that's why the Thai word for pussy translates into "hee" rather than "she".