Overall, the best country by far to retire in would be Thailand. It’s safe, inexpensive, 
fun, and jam packed with enough overly friendly girls to last a life time.

3. Thailand. As someone once said, “It’s not heaven...but it’s dam close!” Gents, if you’re looking for a place that has it all: incredible night life, fantastic food, inexpensive living conditions ($300 monthly), overly friendly girls (a virtual candy store of more women than you could handle in a life time), low incidence of crime (walk the streets at 3 a.m. without fear), and great fun (water parks, zoos, high class movie theaters, Go Kart racing, jet skiing, etc.),  this is the place to be. There are three areas I would choose from to retire: a) Bangkok, the capital, is more costly and would require a budget of $2,500 or more a month. Apartments are hard to come by, so be prepared to hang in a hotel for your first couple of months. The night life is excellent, but costly (Go-Go girls are asking as much as $74 for sex; free lance girls want $25). The smog in Bangkok is so thick you can swim in it , so bring along your carbon face mask.  b) Phuket could be your dream retirement home as it offers inexpensive condo living right on the beautiful white sand beach (yes, the water is still clean enough to swim in and the beach itself is very scenic). Stay near Bangla road in Patong beach and you’ll be walking distance from the bustling night life. Phuket is heaven for scuba divers and lovers of the ocean (surfers would be better off in Bali, Indonesia). Budget of  $2,000 or more per month.  c) South Pattaya Beach Resort (budget of $1200 or more per month) also offers an excellent array of night life (Soi 8 alone has 52 bars and that’s only a mere fraction of what’s out there),  restaurants (the Five Star Vegetarian restaurant, I swear, has the best food on this planet for about $3 per meal), and access to secluded islands (hop on a ferry boat for fifty cents and in forty minutes you can escape to on your own secluded island). Pattaya is the least expensive tourist resort and probably the best. Pros: the world’s best night life, an abundance of overly friendly and gorgeous women, excellent restaurants & supermarkets, low cost living, low incidence of crime, scenic  beaches and lots of tourist facilities. Con: poor weather conditions (hot and humid from March to October), high levels of smog and noise pollution (especially in Bangkok), language barrier (few speak English well), fairly expensive.  Rating: Living conditions, B+;  night life & women, A+. Average cost of sex: short time $25; all night $60 (price can vary drastically).

Interview:

AB: I’d like to welcome Mac Horn, author of “A Gentleman’s Guide: Thailand 2000” and “Panties Down! Before Money Down!” Mac, thank you for joining us today. Can you give us a brief background of your experience living in Asia?

MH: Yes, from 1990 to 1993 I spent two years living in Thailand and about a year in Vietnam. From 1998 to 2000, I lived in the Philippines. I’m now traveling around the Orient, taking periodic trips to Thailand, Cambodia, Indonesia, Korea and Vietnam.

AB: Mac, why the Orient? What made you want to get up and leave the United States and reside in Southeast Asia in the first place?

MH: I was really fed up with the dating scene in the US and to be honest, was living a very frustrating sex life. My goal in life, as far as women was concerned, was to either find the perfect girl to marry or be in a position where I could have sex with any girl I wanted anytime I wanted. I found neither in the US and was hoping I could find it elsewhere.

AB: And you found it in Southeast Asia?

MH: To say the least, yes! What I found was a hundred times better than what I ever imagined life could have to offer. On my first trip to the Orient in 1990, I was completely blown away at how friendly, accessible and eager the women were to share my bed. It was such a contrast from the typical scene in California where I grew up. There, it was a major headache just to get a date, never mind find a woman to hop in the sack with. In Southeast Asia, it was just the opposite: the girls were chasing me for a change and I was the one giving excuses why I was not interested in spending the night with some babe.

AB: So is Thailand your favorite country? Which country in Southeast Asia do you think would be the best place for a single man to retire in?

MH: When deciding where to retire, there are basically three things you must consider: First, you must ask yourself how much can you afford to spend each month. Second, you must ask how much noise and pollution you are willing to put up with. That’s the main disadvantage of living in a third world country, you have to deal with a lot of air and noise pollution. Third,  are you looking for a steady girlfriend or do you want to live the life of a playboy? How  you answer these questions will help you decide which country is best for you.

AB: Let’s start with the guy who is on a budget and wants to find a woman to get serious with.

MH: There is no doubt that if you are looking for someone to get romantically involved with, your best bet is to go to the Philippines. The Filipina girls are very interested in romance and marriage with foreigners and finding a Filipina wife or girlfriend is like fishing in a barrel. It’s as easy as it gets. As for monthly expenses, there is no doubt the Philippines is one of the cheapest places to live. My neighbor was living on $600 a month and still having a good time. It’s dirt cheap out there.

AB: I’m surprised you suggested the Philippines. I would have thought Thailand... 

MH: Thailand is not the place to find a steady girlfriend or wife. Not to say you can’t find one there, but most of the girls, especially the bar girls, are not interested in developing relationships with
foreigners...well, except as a ploy to get money out of them. Anyway, you’ll find the Filipina girls much less money hungry than the Thai girls, most of whom have mastered the one line in English, “How much you pay me?” Speaking of which, living in the Philippines is less costly than Thailand.

AB: Where in the Philippines would you recommend one live?

MH: Another main disadvantage of living in the Orient is you have to put up with the extreme heat and humidity. Believe me, it gets hot in the Philippines, especially from the months of April throughout October. To escape the heat, I would suggest one live in the mountains, such as in
Baguio where the weather is tolerable. Of course, that is assuming you have a steady girlfriend or wife. Baguio has little to offer in terms of meeting girls.

AB: What about living along the beaches?

MH: Subic Bay (former home of the US Naval Base), La Union, Puerto Gallera and Boracay (the most scenic and expensive of all) are all hotter than hell from April to October. Whether you are on the beach or in the city, you’ll still find yourself spending most of the Afternoons hiding in your hotel or apartment where the air conditioning will keep you cool. Believe me, it gets so hot in the mid afternoons, you will just want to stay out of the sun no matter where you are (except in the mountains).

AB: Mac, how does one go about finding a woman  in the Philippines?

MH: My suggestion is you do your girl hunting in Angeles City, former home of the US Clark Air Force Base. Angeles, which is a two hour bus ride north of Manila, has the best night life in the Philippines and is the best place to either look for a steady girlfriend or just play the field. The place is crawling with more girls than you can imagine, believe me. After you’ve found a woman, though, you must get out as the city is filthy - I mean it’s a real shit hole of a town. Some say when the toilet gets flushed, it all ends up in Angeles. I believe it.

AB: Yet you lived in Angeles for two years. Why?

MH: Well, to be blunt, I stayed there because I was getting so much pussy, some of it even for free. It was really  incredible because the number of new women coming into town to work the sex industry is so enormous, I just could not get away. When you are living in a situation where one girl is in your bedroom, another banging on your door, another on the phone begging to come over and another four at your neighbors house waiting to meet you, it’s not so easy to just pack up and leave.

AB: Were you really meeting that many women?

MH: More than you can imagine. My neighbor and I literally had to lock our gates and unplug our phones whenever we already had a girl at our place. Otherwise, we would get in trouble as we tried to entertain too many women at the same time.  In fact, let me warn you now: one of the biggest problems you will have while living in the Orient is not finding girls, but getting rid of them. I’m serious. It actually can get annoying as you are trying to make love to one girl and right outside your door are standing three more girls who are pounding away to let them in. Whatever you do, in that type of situation, don’t open the door!

AB:  Mac, what type of living expenses should one expect to have while living in Angeles City?

MH: Angeles is dirt cheap. I had a two bedroom, two story apartment for $200 a month. My water bill was about $5 a month and my electric bill went from $15 a month to $50 when I put in an air conditioner. My phone bill was a mere $7 a month. I ate at mostly the high class restaurants, so my food was probably running about $300 a month. Altogether, my living expenses were much less than what you can find in the states.

AB: So then living in the Orient can be very cheap.

MH: Yes, of course, provided you live in places like the Philippines. Move to Japan and you’ll be paying more than what you pay in the states.

AB: What about the cost of sex in the Philippines? And how does that compare with sex, for example, in Thailand or Cambodia?

MH: Sex in the Philippines is dirt cheap. There was one internet site a few years back that stated you could get laid in the Philippines for the cost of a hamburger in the states. Actually, in many American restaurants, hamburgers are more expensive than sex! The going rate for short time sex in Angeles City is 200 pesos or about $5. That’s what the locals pay and if you pay more, you are overpaying. If you want a girl to spend the night, a 300 peso tip ($7.50) is acceptable. Actually, I should mention that many Filipina girls, if they like you, will sleep with you for free. But I feel even if they don’t ask for any money, you should give them something. A 200
to 300 peso tip is always nice.

AB: I heard to take a girl out of a bar in Angeles costs 1,000 pesos ($25).

MH: Yes, when you pay to take a bar girl out of the bar for the night, that is called the “bar fine”. The bar fine in Angeles City is 1,000 pesos( $25) in most bars, quite a hefty price considering what the local boys pay for sex. Most guys who end up living in Angeles cannot afford to pay 1,000 pesos for a girl every night; I certainly could not. So, when you live in the Philippines, you learn how to cheat the system by “sneaking out” the bar girls. What that means is instead of paying the bar fine, you get the bar girl to come over and visit you during her off hours, mostly late at night
when she gets off work. After sex, you then give her a 300 peso tip, less than half of the cost of the bar fine. It saves you a lot of money in the long run.

AB: How do you get the girl to come over without having to pay the bar fine? 

MH: It’s very easy. Just go into any bar in Angeles and when you see a girl you like, invite her over for a lady’s drink. A lady’s drink is a special drink, usually costing around 125 pesos ($3), and allows the girl to sit and cuddle with you at your side. As she sits by you, discreetly hand her your hotel or apartment business card which has your name, phone number and address on it. Then tell her you really like her and hope after work she will call you and come to visit you. Make sure she understands she must call first, because if she just shows up, she may catch you with another girl. Just tell her to call first to make sure you are home.

AB: Would most girls call?

MH: Yes, in fact too many of them, actually. It was almost comical as one girl would call and then come over, only to have moments later, another show up unannounced. It got to the point where my neighbor and I had to guard each other because of the overflow of women. Sometimes we’d have three, four, even five girls showing up all at the same time and there was just the two of us to entertain them all. It was unbelievable!  Well, the Orient is truly a man’s world.

MH: How does the price to get laid in the Philippines compare with other countries?

AB: Cambodia is by probably the cheapest. The lowest I’ve seen was in Phnom Pehn at a local brothel. If you can believe it, they were asking $2 for short time sex. I know other guys who had the same experience. However, $5 to $10 is more on the average in the brothels and massage parlous in Phnom Pehn. If you want to take a girl home for the whole night, then the rate will vary, the average being about $25. Of course, in Manlia and Cebu, the price is more expensive, double or triple, mostly because of the rich Japanese and Taiwanese business men who come in there and fuck it up for the rest of us by overpaying.

AB: What about Thailand?

MH: The price for sex varies drastically in Thailand, anywhere from $5 in a local short time brothel in the villages to $70 or more in the high class bars in Bangkok. Most guys who come to Thailand for their first time end up way overpaying because they simply do not know the system.

AB: How does the system work?

MH: The system is simple: you bargain for everything. A lot of tourists don’t understand the price for sex is not fixed; it’s all negotiable. In fact, almost everything you pay for in Thailand is negotiable, not just the girls.

AB: In other words, you can bargain the price for sex.

MH: For sex and just about anything and everything else, for that matter. This is the way it works, you are expected to bargain when you shop. Tourists who don’t understand this will end up paying highly inflated prices for both sex, hotels, transportation, food, gifts, and just about anything else you spend money on. I see it happen all the time. For example, a tourist gets off the taxi in Pattaya and asks the driver how much for the fare. The driver, aware the tourist doesn’t know the fee, charges him 50 baht, ten times the rate. I get off the same taxi, hand the driver 5 baht for the same ride, and the driver says nothing to me. He dare not because he knows that’s all he’s getting from me.

AB: So in a sense the driver ripped him off.

MH: Yes, and the same thing is going to happen to the same guy with the girls, at the restaurants, in the hotels, while shopping, and so on.

AB: So how do you avoid getting over charged?

MH: Easy. You don’t go to a foreign country without understanding the way things work, how much the going rates are and so on. If you think you can just walk into a foreign country and everyone is going to offer you a fair price for whatever it is they are selling, well, you might as well just open up your wallet on the streets and say, “Who wants some?” Everyone in sight will dip their hand in.

AB: Mac, what if a guy has unlimited funds and wants to just play around with as many girls as possible?

MH: Go directly to Thailand. If I was rich, that is where I would stay, no doubt about it. Thailand has fantastic food, excellent accommodations, unbelievably good looking women and it’s very safe in terms of crime. The country is a virtual paradise and all the guys who I know who have chosen
to retire there would not go anywhere else. 

AB: Mac, we’ve exhausted our time and I want to thank you for your time. Do you think in the next issue we can get more into details on retiring in Thailand.

MH: Absolutely.